Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
