We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
