Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
