i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
