Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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