so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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