I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
