I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i dont even know how to be here
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
