Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
