real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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