just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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