My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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