haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I want to be your penis for a week.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
