I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
