I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
