Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
