Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
