Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
