I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
These tits shall not be calmed
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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