I feel great
I just peed on a car
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
