but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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