All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
