I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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