I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
