just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
