this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
