i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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