Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
