awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
