True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
