i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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