is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
