you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
