you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
