Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
