My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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