I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
