Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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