I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
