well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize