OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
