Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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