I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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