her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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