why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I have tasted many bathrooms
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
