You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
