it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I pour the whiskey from now on
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
