Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
