I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
