Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
