and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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