I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
