walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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