all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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