Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
