Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
