so explain again why im purple
no
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
