I need help removing her.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
