I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
