your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize