Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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