So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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