Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
