Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize