how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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