Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize