As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
