I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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