She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
