I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
