Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
