I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I wish I only lived at night.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize