My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
