In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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