come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
