i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
