I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
